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The argument I use to console myself is that if I cannot be strong enough for myself, how can I be strong enough for someone else? The thought pattern strikes me as something very much like bullshit. It’s in our makeup to preserve ourselves with bullshit, though. I said that my mistake had lain in, ‘trying to effect a change in someone else,’ but that makes it sound like I was trying to break her down and rebuild her in my own image. Really I just wanted to make her want to change herself. How much more noble that sounds! I went inside and puked until every muscle in my back felt like it was going to tear itself out through my skin and dance away in a waltz of pain. Staring at what was left of my stomach all over my hands and in my hair, the idea that I had to get a new hobby struck me with amazing clarity. I rinsed off my hands and went into my room to stare out the window. Seven in the morning and everything is painted with the blue of dawn. All I want, right now, is to fall in. "Any other bids?" asked Kate. Karl was waving furiously from the back."Going once?" asked Kate. Karl was still waving furiously from the back."Going twice?" asked Kate.Karl shouted, "One hundred and twenty." Sorry Karl, you have a private girl and it was made quite clear to all private owners that they were not eligible for any auction night; come back when we have a normal schedule and a fixed price list." I don't have a private girl," snapped Karl."I sold you one at the last ship auction four days ago," responded Kate."Well I don't have one now," he retorted angrily, "so I am allowed to bid." Wrong," said Kate, "You still own her according to my records; no sale has been registered. Let's get on; sold for one hundred and ten credits to Friedrich from Outpost Mine. Have you got the money?"Friedrich came forward and Linda jumped lightly down beside him and gazed up at him as though he were the only man in the world for her. He quickly paid Kate and Linda led him off among many.
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